Don't become a people-pleaser

In today's episode Mattias and Svea talk about people-pleasers and what it means. Citing the definition of a people-pleaser:

"A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act the way they do because of their insecurities and lack of self-esteem."

Dysfunctional relationships

Both Mattias and Svea reveal that they can really see themselves in that definition. Mattias talks about his background of growing up in a dysfunctional family with a lack of clear boundaries regarding relationships and emotions. As a kid, he often blamed himself for things that were going on at his home, and already at a young age, he took over a lot of responsibilities. He even goes so far as to say that in a way he was the one parenting his parents and not the other way around. This people-pleasing mechanism became a way for him to survive. He carried on this behavior until adulthood until he hit rock bottom in his late twenties. It was at this time he realized he needed help. He didn't want to blame his past circumstances for his actions anymore and took on responsibility for himself.

People-pleaser vs. being thoughtful

When Svea asks him why it is so important to say "no" and realize that you cannot make everyone happy, Mattias says: "It's all about the quality of life and being happy". He explains that always trying to please others and cut your own needs and wishes short will eventually lead to the opposite of happiness. He adds that on the other hand, it is interesting to think about what the difference is between people-pleasing and being actually thoughtful. When it comes to him, he believes the aspect that distinguishes the two is the motivation behind them. If the motivation of caring for someone is fear-based you will act as a people-pleaser. As soon as we neglect our own boundaries and needs, we are on the thin line of being a people-pleaser. If the motivation behind your action is love-based though, you simply genuinely care for someone.

Svea found a list with tips to learn how to take care of your own boundaries and shares her 3 favorites with Mattias:

1. If someone asks you for a favor etc. - delay the answer. Don't say "yes" right away.

2. If you don't want to do something, don't say "I can't", instead say something like "I don't".

3. Don't feel like you need to excuse yourself.

Prioritize your own needs and set clear boundaries.

Can you recognize yourself in the definition?

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